I feel lost. I feel alone.

The world as I know it has long fade when he’s gone.



S came back for good after 10 years abroad. Which lead to this conversation…

“I love papa. Papa balik kan nanti?”


How to respond to that? How to explain it to Alia that her Papa is not going to come home ever?


That we could only follow him to the next life. That we could only strive to be the best of Allah’s servant and pray for His mercy that we will eventually see each other again in Jannah.



Transitions equals to changes. It means adapting and adjusting to the changes in life. To the ‘surprises’ it brings us, both good and bad.


I cried a lot when we were newlywed. The first few months were the tough. Adjusting to a new life, where everything is not just about me any more, is difficult. And now, I cry even more. Cause adjusting to new life without you is even tougher.


Something deep within me is lost and may never be recovered in this life. My life has changed. Like it or not,  I need to adapt myself to it. Insya Allah, everything is going to be OK. I will get through this and adjust myself to this BIG change.


What is life without it’s surprises, right? *smiles*



Andai diriku pergi

Tinggalkanmu sendiri

Usah kau sedih

Usah tangisi duga dari Ilahi


Andaiku pergi dulu

Tiba tika dan waktu 

Telah tertulis takdir untukku

Perjanjian yang Maha Agung

Doakan ku sejahtera disisiNya


 From his mp3 collections. One of the songs that stucked in my head. He used to like playing them everywhere. In the car, at home and even at work. I would call it his flavor-of-the month song picks.


Each time I listened to this particular song, I could hear him singing along to the tunes. The song I listened to when I miss him so. Imagining him soothing me with the words.


Pujuk diri untuk tidak terus menerus bersedih. Pujuk hati supaya redha atas pemergiannya. 

  إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ

“To Allah We belong, and to Him is our return”

We talked about my fear of you leaving me all alone in this world. Then the talk became what if I left you first…

We never did have a long and serious talk about it. About death.

You simply said, “If I die, Allah will take care of you and Alia.”

I could not argue with that. So we left it there.

Allah, The The Provider, The Protector and The Most Merciful is always taking care of us all. No doubt about it.

Life. An all-time learning process.

So many things that I had learned these past few years. Things that I would like to keep it down somewhere before it is lost and forgotten.

A place to express, reflect and remind myself of many important things in life.


One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.
Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened.

You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister.
Everyone is finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home.

Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.
Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them.

Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood.

Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.”

Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back.
Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need.
This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.

Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.


Via Paulo Coelho’s Blog



Via SayingImages

When you have someone in your corner, rooting for you, suddenly you feel that everything is possible.

Thank you, S.

Who am I, really?

Lately, I’ve been asking myself that question, a lot. It gets confusing each time I ask myself.

I’m a person. A girl. A woman. A daughter. A sister. A friend. A wife. A daughter-in-law.

I’m everything and nothing all at once. How could that be?

Long Lost Thoughts